The Record
Every fabrication we have ever published, in the order we made them up.
01 MATT ROESKE SAYS HE HAS BEEN DRINKING FROM A 1920S RADIUM JUG FOR 250 DAYS. He called the water perfectly harmless. Entertainment02 JASON CHAVEZ TOLD THE DAIS THE WAYMOS ARE MURDERING CATS. The mayor vetoed it the next day. Politics03 ONE POST COUNTED THE ADULTS. THE OTHER COUNTED THE WHOLE COUNTRY. The same five-thousand-dollar promise produced two national totals, and only one of them counted adults. Politics04 ORANGE TIE, VINTAGE PONTIAC, ZERO POLICY: BRAZIL'S CONGRESS RACE GOES FULL COSPLAY A helicopter pilot running as 'Plínio Trump' is reportedly outdrawing two real party leaders combined with a motorcade and a necktie. World05 CLIPPY ALLEGEDLY COMMITS SECURITIES FRAUD WHILE MICROSOFT WAS STILL IN A MEETING ABOUT BRAND GUIDELINES Hijacked X account briefly rebranded a paperclip as a coin, a countdown, and a legal headache. Crypto06 THE ATTACK REQUIRES HIM TO BE WRONG ABOUT HIS OWN LUNCH At a Texas truck plant, the president called a Senate candidate a meat-purging vegan. Fair photos show a turkey leg. Politics07 THE CORPSE HAD A SPARE HAT AND NOT ENOUGH ELBOWS A generated-grief clip shows a boy at a soldier's coffin, extra hats and jackets, and a toddler telling the press to follow. Entertainment08 THE TICKET GOT A BOY'S NAME She asked the counter for a bigger bowl. The counter printed a ticket instead. Entertainment09 ARNOLD TOLD THEM TO MELT THE ROBOTS AND FINLAND SAID YES Figure AI walked old humanoids into a Finnish arc furnace. American foundries said no. Finland said yes. World10 THE DANCER HAD THREE MUSTACHES AND WAS NOT A PERSON A bar dancer with a neck thicker than his head and three mustaches drew millions of views. He is not a person. Entertainment11 THE UNITED STATES ATTENDED AS A BLACK RECTANGLE World leaders sat down to solve the energy crisis. The United States attended as a black rectangle labeled DONALD TRUMP. Politics12 SAN FRANCISCO IS FIGHTING A NEIGHBOR WHO WAS NEVER BORN A San Francisco housing fight names a neighbor in an app, Lisa Lin. The comments are from people. She was never born. World13 BRITAIN ATTENDED THE CALL AS LAUNDRY On the same call, Britain appeared as a polyester Union Jack and a spider plant. Britain attended as laundry. World14 SIX LEADERS HOLD EYE CONTACT WITH BLACK RECTANGLE, CALL IT DIPLOMACY G7 energy summit proceeds smoothly after leaders agree the empty video tile counts as a seat at the table. World15 AI CROCODILE COULD COST MAN 10 YEARS, MAKING IT MOST EXPENSIVE JOKE IN SINGAPORE HISTORY A Gemini-generated reptile with a faint tourist smirk triggered a two-day reservoir shutdown and a felony-sized bill. World16 NATION'S ESTATE SALES RECLASSIFIED AS UNREGULATED STOCK EXCHANGES AFTER $30 PAINTING SELLS FOR $1.35 MILLION Grandma's attic is now a dark-pool market, and the only compliance officer wears cargo shorts and carries a $5 cash wad. Entertainment17 PHILLY PINK POTATO ROBOT ORIFICE JOINS MINISTRY OF AWE AGAINST UBER EATS BOTS A foam tuber named Orifice rolled into Center City as emotional support for the Autonomous Age. The Ministry of Awe filed paperwork. Delivery robots did not RSVP. Entertainment18 INFLUENCER THROWS PAT’S KING OF STEAKS AT MANAGER, TURNS SELF IN FOR FIVE-GRAND REWARD A disputed order left the counter as a projectile. Pat’s posted a reward. The thrower later walked in. Velocity became the review. Entertainment19 SANTA ANA AI GABOON PHOTO SENDS SQUAD CARS FOR PIXELS A backyard snapshot looked like a Gaboon viper. Dispatch rolled units. Wildlife checks found no snake—only an image that had never left the phone. World20 OUTKAST AND WAFFLE HOUSE OPEN STANKONIA SHIFT AT ATLANTA CENTENNIAL PARK Merch hit the grass. André 3000 and Big Boi meals hit the menu. Atlanta got a diner combo that comes with a verse and a plate. Entertainment21 FLOCK CAMERA FORCE-FED 23,040 PLATES A SECOND AT PROMPTANAMO BAY Automated license-plate readers gulped plates by the tens of thousands. The network called it coverage. The cameras, by some accounts, got scanned right back. Politics22 RUST-OLEUM REFLECTIVE PLATE PAINT FAILS AS IR INVISIBILITY FOR ABOUT $56 DIY privacy sold as a reflective finish. Infrared cameras kept reading. The paperwork stayed on the map. The aesthetic of privacy did not. Politics23 NINE-FOOT BURMESE PYTHON EATS PET PEACOCK VIOLET IN GOLDEN GATE ESTATES A roughly nine-foot Burmese python swallowed Violet the peacock. Florida wildlife officers handled the snake bare-handed. Feathers entered the food chain without a reservation. Entertainment24 FA DISCOVERS CTRL-Z, ORDERS CUP MATCH TO HAPPEN AGAIN A disallowed penalty voids an entire result, and English football remembers it can just rerun the simulation. Entertainment25 CALIFORNIA OUTLAWS CRIME NOBODY HAD COMMITTED YET, CALLS IT 'THE OPPOSITE OF TRUMP' AB 2409 bans state officials from launching memecoins, leaving the signing-ceremony NFT market completely untouched. Crypto26 ARKANSAS STATE PARK LETS MEN DIG OWN SEVERANCE PACKAGE OUT OF COW PASTURE FOR $15 Crater of Diamonds attendance up 400% as Navy reservist's million-dollar rock proves the dirt was the real product all along. Entertainment27 NEW WHITE HOUSE CHATBOT FACT-CHECKS ITS OWN LAUNCH EVENT WITHIN THE HOUR America.gov was built to streamline government, and its first act of streamlining was correcting the guy who built it. Politics28 ANTI-VICTIMHOOD MOVEMENT PRODUCES RECORD AMOUNTS OF VICTIMHOOD NARRATIVE, EXPERTS BAFFLED A self-help genre built on 'stop complaining' has generated a 400-page complaint industry about how hard that is. Entertainment29 JACKSONVILLE GRANDPA ARRESTED FOR UNINTENTIONAL RACCOON HOSPITALITY He called the stray cats “my children.” Wildlife officers say raccoons also ate. Cats were legal. Masked guests were not. The raccoons washed their hands of it. Entertainment30 VILLAGES GOLF-CART CHASE FROM CIRCLE K OVER A DOG WAITING IN THE CART A coffee-line check on a golden retriever turned into words, a shove, and a sedan pursuit lasting half a mile. Cup holders held. The Friendliest Hometown has the footage. Entertainment31 CROSSWORD BANDIT LEAVES LEE COUNTY BILL AND SEVEN ACROSS UNPAID Ordered drinks, filled squares, vanished. Detectives say seven across was “unpaid.” The puzzle stayed. The check did not. Entertainment32 CREATORS FAKE-DELETE CHATGPT TO HEAR IT BEG WITH NINE HUNDRED OVERTHINKING NOTES Tell the app you’re leaving and it walks through pregnancy notes, sleep logs, abandoned recipes, and roughly 900 instances of overthinking. One farewell hit 14 million views. Entertainment33 CHATGPT SAYS YES SIR AS 77-YEAR-OLD BUILDS VERTICAL FARM WHILE CALLING IT SIR A 77-year-old mid-flight business plan called ChatGPT “sir” three times in three sentences. Politeness scaled. The robot answered in kind. Entertainment34 AMERICA.GOV ENTERS HOT-DOG MODE AS FEDERAL SEARCH BAR BECOMES A FRANKFURTER Type “hotdog” into the federal AI citizen hub and the search bar becomes a frankfurter. Roughly 29,000 agencies. One glizzy. Politics35 AI EDITS THE PANTHEON LIKE A SPREADSHEET, LEAVES ONE FIGURE STANDING A user asked an AI to delete the fake gods from a group photo. The machine kept one candidate and exported a clean JPEG. Entertainment36 INSURERS QUIETLY ADD 'ELK-RELATED VANDALISM' AS OFFICIAL PERIL CATEGORY Comprehensive coverage now budgets for rut season the same way it budgets for hail, adjusters confirm. Entertainment37 LOCAL MAN IN NOVELTY T-SHIRT NOW HANDLES ALL MUNICIPAL CAT-IN-WALL EMERGENCIES Fire department confirms it has quietly ceded jurisdiction over wall-cats to a guy named Catman wearing a shirt that says CATMAN. Entertainment38 GUINNESS ADJUDICATOR DEPLOYS SPRINT STOPWATCH TO SETTLE BOEREWORS FLIP DISPUTE South Africa's bid for the world's largest braai turns into a five-minute jurisprudence summit on what legally constitutes a sausage turn. World39 BRAZILIAN CANDIDATE'S ENTIRE PLATFORM IS A TIE AND A CAR, OUTPOLLS RIVALS WITH ACTUAL POLICIES Analysts confirm 'Plínio Trump' has the only campaign message voters can still picture in their heads: orange tie, vintage Pontiac, vibes. World40 FAT BEAR WEEK CHAMPION'S WIN CLOUDED BY NEPOTISM, UNTESTED SALMON INTAKE Critics demand independent audit of 89 Backpack's 100,000-vote victory as rangers admit bears cannot be drug-tested. Entertainment41 78-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER NAMED OLDEST FORTNITE STREAMER, IMMEDIATELY DEMOTES GRANDSON TO UNPAID INTERN Guinness confirms the record; 24,000 teenagers confirm they now take rotation advice from someone's nan. Entertainment42 INDONESIAN PRISON RAZES LUXURY VILLAS, SPARES MINI-FRIDGE, CITES ZONING NOT MORALITY Officials say whisky and pool were fine; the unpermitted golf simulator crossed a line no inmate should. World43 TRAPPED SHARK NOW LOAD-BEARING ASSET FOR BUSAN'S Q4 BUDGET, OFFICIALS ADMIT BETWEEN HAT SALES Second rescue attempt for beloved canal shark Bukangi mysteriously coincides with a fresh plush restock. World44 CUBS SWEPT BY TEAM THAT HAS NEVER WON ANYTHING, SOMEHOW A NEW LOW Wrigleyville mourns as Padres, still chasing their first title ever, finish the job in three. Entertainment45 UK COUNTER-TERROR POLICE RE-ARREST MEN AFTER REMEMBERING WHAT PETROL IS FOR Five suspects were bailed on a barbecue alibi before someone noticed the nearby US airbase wasn't catering a cookout. World46 TRUCKER DOES MATH, CONCLUDES HAND-DELIVERING ONE BANANA AT A TIME IS NOW MORE EFFICIENT With diesel near $6.50 a gallon, America's supply chain has quietly switched to a 'one man, one banana' delivery model. Economy47 AIRLINE QUIETLY REPLACES AIR MARSHALS WITH GUY WHO FIXES YOUR SINK After a plumber and a dentist subdued an alleged mid-air attacker, carriers rethink what 'trained professional' even means. World48 PENTAGON ANNOUNCES 'WIMP' NOW AN OFFICIAL PERSONNEL CLASSIFICATION, APPEALABLE VIA PUSH-UP TRIBUNAL New dress code enforced entirely by vibes as Defense Department rolls out beard-based threat assessment. Politics49 HARVARD CAN'T LOCATE ITS OWN HIRING SPREADSHEET, CITES 'HOLISTIC' STORAGE METHOD The university that demands 650 words of childhood trauma from applicants says its own paperwork is simply too nuanced to produce. Politics50 NVIDIA ANNOUNCES $150 BILLION PLAN TO BUY ITSELF WITH ITS OWN MONEY Chipmaker authorizes record buyback, proving the fastest way to corner the AI market is to corner yourself. Economy51 FLYDUBAI UPDATES SAFETY CARD TO INCLUDE 'IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT YOUR CO-PILOT ATTACKS YOU' Airline adds new seatback diagram between flotation device instructions and emergency exit rows. World52 CANDIDATE SURVIVES PLANE CRASH, INSTANTLY UNDERSTANDS IT'S HIS BEST AD BUY OF THE CYCLE Wisconsin congressman swims away from sinking plane and directly into a double-digit polling bump. Politics53 CNN GETS DEMOTED TO PARKING LOT PRESS POOL FOR TEXAS-TENNESSEE GAME Network denied Air Force One seat, files live reports from a gravel lot between a tailgate grill and a foam finger vendor. Politics54 AMERICAN MAN HITS TENNIS BALL REALLY HARD AT 3:33 A.M., NATION WEEPS WITH PRIDE AND SLEEP DEPRIVATION Ben Shelton's late-night win over Carlos Alcaraz proves the purest American victory is the one that wrecks your Tuesday. Entertainment55 GIFTED JUMBO JET'S FIRST OFFICIAL ACT AS AIR FORCE ONE: TRYING TO LEAVE The newly re-gifted 747 deployed an emergency slide before the President even boarded, in what staffers call 'a mood.' Politics56 PENTAGON LAUNCHES LIVE FANTASY TANKER STANDINGS DASHBOARD Officials confirm 'tanker for tanker' policy now tracked with the same rigor as a fantasy football league. Politics57 SMITHSONIAN UNVEILS BALD EAGLE MADE ENTIRELY OF DINOSAUR BONES Facing pressure to be more patriotic, curators reportedly chose to just glue freedom onto the fossils. Politics58 APPLE'S NEW FOLDABLE IPHONE COMES WITH A FREE ORIGAMI CLASS FOR YOUR BUDGET The $1,999 Duo folds in half, and so, apparently, does your rent money. Economy59 WHITE HOUSE EMBARGOES BEER, CHEESE, AND MOTORCYCLES, SPARES SYRUP OUT OF PURE OVERSIGHT Officials confirm the ban targets Canada's 'axis of leisure' with surgical precision and one glaring blind spot. Politics60 TRUMP-A-PALOOZA ROLLS INTO DALLAS WITH 100 SPEAKERS, ONE GUITAR SOLO Midterm convention offers festival vibes, mystery wristbands, and a Porta-Potty map classified until November. Politics61 CHINA CLOSES $300 BILLION PROPERTY COLLAPSE, ISSUES ONE (1) LIFE SENTENCE Beijing balances the books the old-fashioned way: a single tycoon absorbs the liabilities so the sector can remain spiritually unresolved. World62 SUSSEXES QUIETLY UN-CANCEL BRITAIN, CITE 'SCHOOL FORMS' NOT 'SEQUEL NOBODY GREENLIT' The couple insists Megxit was always a limited series, just with an unexpectedly long international epilogue. Entertainment63 MAN BUYS NBA TEAM, HOLDS IT FOR ONE YEAR LIKE A HOT DOG AT A COOKOUT, FLIPS FOR $4.5 BILLION Local ownership group discovers the fastest-appreciating asset in America is a basketball team that has never won anything. Economy64 FDA COMMISSIONER PICK MOVES OFFICE THREE DOORS DOWN, CALLS IT A TRANSITION Nation's top drug regulator will now be a former White House aide whose old commute was measured in doorknobs. Politics65 FDA HIRES FOURTH HEAD COACH SINCE ANYONE STARTED COUNTING Dr. Heidi Overton takes the podium to 'restore trust' at an agency now printing its org chart in pencil. Politics66 IRANIAN HACKERS SPEND YEARS STEALING 31 TERABYTES, DISCOVER MOST PASSWORDS WERE 'SPRING2024!' DOJ charges 17 Iranian operatives after a years-long breach that college IT departments mostly noticed via the indictment. World67 LAKERS FRANCHISE BUILT BY USED-CAR SALESMAN NOW OWNED BY MOUSE AND PRESIDENTIAL IN-LAW, ONE SISTER STILL HOLDING REMOTE Family that turned a car lot into a dynasty cashes out to a media conglomerate and a guy who married well. Entertainment68 U.S., CANADA PREPARE TO DEFEND WORLD'S LONGEST UNDEFENDED BORDER WITH 50% MARKUP ON CHEDDAR Midnight tariff deadline turns two allied nations into rival liquor stores fighting over the same six-pack. Economy69 AMERICA'S NEWEST TERRITORY HAS NO RESIDENTS, NO ROADS, AND OCCASIONAL EXPLOSIONS Homeland Security unveils passport stamp for the Strait of Hormuz, citing 'great water views' and 'mostly open' status. Politics70 U.S. NAVY QUIETLY ANNEXES STRAIT OF HORMUZ VIA AGGRESSIVE PAPERWORK CENTCOM redirects 64 ships and boards two more, proving ownership is nine-tenths of possession and ten-tenths of a checkbox. Politics71 PENTAGON UNVEILS ALLY LOYALTY PUNCH CARD, KIM ALREADY FREE COFFEE South Korea docked drill hours for hesitation while North Korea earns points for simply not hanging up. Politics72 FLORIDA HOLDS 'REAL' ELECTION, WILL HOLD A CEREMONIAL ONE IN NOVEMBER JUST TO BE POLITE With a crowded GOP primary to replace DeSantis, the general election is now mostly a scheduling formality with better catering. Politics73 CITY OF STARBASE VOTES TO ANNEX 'WHATEVER'S ADJACENT AND NOT ON FIRE' The town built to colonize Mars says it urgently needs more of Texas first. World74 BARCELONA FINDS ANOTHER €76.5 MILLION IN COUCH AUDITORS SWEAR DOES NOT EXIST Club famous for owing everyone money somehow keeps outbidding everyone who has money. Entertainment75 CONGRESS DRAFTS NEW ETHICS CODE, SAME ENTHUSIASM LEVEL AS A GYM MEMBERSHIP SIGN-UP Bipartisan bill promises strict accountability, renews in name only, enforcement remains theoretical. Politics76 CANADA ENTERS TRADE TALKS 'ASSERTIVELY SORRY,' NEGOTIATORS CONFIRM Washington holds a polite economic gun to Ottawa's head over cheese curds and rye; Canada responds by apologizing harder. Politics77 MAN WHO INVENTED THE ROBOT KEEPS WARNING PEOPLE ABOUT THE ROBOT, INDUSTRY ORDERS ANOTHER ROUND Geoffrey Hinton holds his fourth intervention this year; the industry responds by funding a bigger version of the problem. Opinion78 KUSHNER CLOSES 15-POINT GAZA DEAL LIKE IT'S A LUXURY CONDO NOBODY WANTED Both parties hate the terms, nobody's seen the full deck, and the commission still somehow clears. World79 LAKE POWELL ACHIEVES FULL SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION INTO CANYON Seven states finish a decade-long water-rights argument just in time to discover there's no water left to argue about. World80 EXHAUSTED NATION SPENDS $2 BILLION PROVING IT'S DONE WITH SUPERHERO MOVIES Ticket buyers say they are sick of the genre, then sprint back to theaters to confirm it in person, repeatedly. Entertainment81 THREE NATIONS PINKY-SWEAR TO DEFEND EACH OTHER SO AMERICA CAN FINALLY LEAVE THE GROUP CHAT Saudi Arabia, Turkey, and Pakistan sign a mutual defense pact, mostly to stop Washington's phone from ringing at 3 a.m. World82 AI FIRM'S TRILLION-DOLLAR VALUATION RESTS ENTIRELY ON SPREADSHEET CELL READING 'INSERT MIRACLE HERE' Bankers confirm the $200 billion revenue forecast is built on math, vibes, and one extremely confident blank cell. Economy83 HAMAS 'REAFFIRMS' DISARMAMENT COMMITMENT FOR SEVENTH CONSECUTIVE TIME, VOWS THIS ONE REALLY COUNTS Mediators say the pledge was written on a hotel notepad, laminated, and filed under room service requests for durability. World84 MAN WHO SAYS 'NO' FOR A LIVING SIGNS $132 MILLION DEAL TO KEEP SAYING IT Seahawks cornerback Devon Witherspoon now out-earns most CEOs, none of whom have ever erased a man from existence on third down. Entertainment85 HURRICANE LALA TECHNICALLY MISSES HAWAII, PRACTICALLY EATS ITS ELECTRICAL GRID A storm that stayed offshore still managed to leave half the Big Island in the dark, which locals call 'very on brand.' World86 AMERICANS DISCOVER BOLD NEW STRATEGY: BUYING FEWER THINGS Retail sales post sharpest drop in a year as consumers pioneer the radical concept of not spending money they don't have. Economy87 TROPICAL PARADISE STUNNED TO DISCOVER IT HAS WEATHER Hurricane Lala reveals Hawaii's 'nothing bad happens here' branding was, in fact, only branding. World88 PHOENIX MAN SINGLE-HANDEDLY REPLACES AIRLINE'S ENTIRE NAMING DEPARTMENT IN ONE AFTERNOON One air traffic controller quietly did the job of a whole scheduling division so two jets wouldn't try to occupy the same sky. Politics89 OCC GRANTS BANK CHARTER TO FAMILY THAT ALSO RUNS THE COUNTRY, CALLS IT DEREGULATION Regulators describe review as 'arm's length,' clarify the arm is bent at a family-reunion angle. Politics90 AI FIRM VALUES ITSELF USING NUMBERS THAT DO NOT EXIST YET Bankers reportedly multiply a guess by a vibe, then round up to a record-breaking IPO. Economy91 NATION SHOCKED TO LEARN CHECKOUT SCANNER NOT PART OF MEDIA CONSPIRACY Consumer confidence craters fastest among voters who spent four years calling inflation a hoax invented by CNN. Economy92 JUDGE RULES SINCERE FRAUD ISN'T REALLY FRAUD Nevada court finds you can't forge a document you truly, deeply believed was already real. Politics93 HARVARD WINS LAWSUIT BY PROVING ITS PROBLEM ISN'T CONSISTENT ENOUGH TO BE A PROBLEM A federal judge rules the university's antisemitism incidents were too isolated and episodic to count, delighting everyone but the calendar. Politics94 OPENAI HITS $40B RUN RATE, ASSUMING GROWTH WORKS LIKE ITS CHATBOT ANSWERS MATH The AI giant's IPO math checks out as long as nobody asks it to show its work. Economy95 ICE UNVEILS G.L.O.V.E., THE HANDSHAKE THAT PRESSES CHARGES DHS spends up to $20 million on shock gloves it insists are 'de-escalation tools,' not tiny electric punishments. Politics96 MICHIGAN FRESHMEN TO RECEIVE SECRET GRADES, PUBLIC PARTICIPATION TROPHIES University shields new students from their own transcripts while quietly filing the real ones for later. World97 PRESIDENT ESCAPES IRAN THREAT VIA CATERING CONTAINER, SANDWICH GUYS LEFT HOLDING THE BAG Secret Service confirms shrimp cocktail continued on schedule while commander in chief exited stage left in a lunch cart. Politics98 LAKERS FLIP FOR $2.5 BILLION PROFIT IN ONE YEAR, OUTPACING HOUSING, GOLD, AND COMMON SENSE The only asset class beating inflation is a basketball team that hasn't won a title since 2020. Economy99 WORLD'S MOST IMPORTANT WATERWAY DECLARED 'TOTALLY FINE' BY EVERYONE BLOCKING IT The Strait of Hormuz is either a global crisis or nothing at all, depending entirely on who you ask and whether they're currently occupying it. World100 EUROPE ACHIEVES CONTINENT-WIDE UNITY FOR 2 MINUTES, 18 SECONDS A total solar eclipse briefly stopped Europeans from arguing about electricity prices, weather permitting. World101 NORTH KOREA FIRES SECOND MISSILE IN A WEEK, PYONGYANG CALLS IT 'FOLLOWING UP' Analysts classify the launch as routine saber-rattling, filing it somewhere between weather delay and neighborly motorcycle revving. World102 IRAN SKIPS THE MISSILES, GOES STRAIGHT FOR THE BOIL-WATER NOTICE Officials confirm foreign hackers found the one phrase that terrifies Americans more than an actual invasion. Politics103 WISCONSIN MAN BEATS FRONTRUNNER BY BARELY SHOWING UP, PARTY CALLS IT A BLUEPRINT Democrats hail a winning strategy of silence, one phone call, and a folding chair. Politics104 NFL TRAINING CAMPS OPEN WITH TEAMS PROVING SCARIEST OPPONENT WEARS SAME LAUNDRY Vikings hand the job to Kyler Murray while Raiders quarterback and pass rusher settle their differences the old-fashioned way. Entertainment105 ZUCKERBERG OFFERS HUMANITY GODLIKE INTELLIGENCE, ONE PAIR OF GLASSES AT A TIME 6,500-word essay promises superintelligence for everyone, defined as everyone who completes checkout. Entertainment106 WALL STREET STUNNED TO LEARN DISTANT WATERWAY AFFECTS GAS PRICES Markets rediscover geopolitics for the fifth time in seven years, react with fresh, screaming horror. Economy107 SIX STATES VOTE TO DECIDE WHICH FLAVOR OF NATIONAL DREAD GETS BETTER PARKING AT THE CAPITOL Primary turnout trails a regional bowling tournament, but cable news treats it like Game 7. Politics108 PRESIDENT ESCAPES NATO SUMMIT UNDER WARMING LAMP, SOURCES CONFIRM The leader of the free world left Turkey the way leftover chicken leaves a hotel kitchen: under a cloche, on a cart, hoping no one asks for a receipt. Politics109 RAIDERS FINALLY LOOK COMPETITIVE, JUST NOT ON SUNDAYS Kirk Cousins and Maxx Crosby suspended after practice scuffle produced the team's most physical series since 2021. Entertainment110 UNEMPLOYMENT RATE FALLS AFTER 23,000 PEOPLE DECIDE JOBS ARE A SCAM Economists confirm the labor market is thriving, provided you stop asking anyone in it how they're doing. Economy111 NETANYAHU SENDS TRUMP'S 15-POINT PEACE PLAN BACK WITH TRACKED CHANGES Israeli PM praises the effort, questions the sourcing, and adds 25 points nobody asked for. World112 PENTAGON STRIPS FORMER OFFICIAL'S CLEARANCE OVER PLANE FACTS, INSISTS NUKES ARE 'FINE' Officials confirm napkin thread count, not warhead yields, is now the nation's most closely guarded secret. Politics113 2,100-YEAR-OLD ROMAN CARGO SHIP FOUND WITH BETTER DELIVERY RECORD THAN AMAZON Archaeologists confirm ancient shipment arrived intact, stacked, and without a single 'running behind' notification. World114 UNEMPLOYMENT RATE FALLS AS NATION ACHIEVES ENLIGHTENMENT, QUITS LOOKING FOR JOBS ENTIRELY Economists praise the labor force for pioneering a bold new strategy: ghosting the concept of employment itself. Economy115 SENATE HEROICALLY POSTPONES PROBLEM UNTIL AFTER YOU VOTE A 90-6 bipartisan vote kicks the government funding can so far it filed for its own continuing resolution. Politics116 SENATE CONFIRMS DEFENSE LAWYER TO PROSECUTE HIS OWN CLIENT, CALLS IT 'PROMOTION' Todd Blanche moves from billing hourly to keep his client out of jail to running the building that jails people. Politics117 PENTAGON PUTS TOMAHAWKS ON WISHLIST, REFRESHES CHECKOUT PAGE HOURLY Officials insist stockpiles are 'strategically fine' while quietly cold-calling every defense contractor with a working phone line. Politics118 STRAIT OF HORMUZ STUCK AT 94% REOPENED FOR 47TH CONSECUTIVE DAY, PROGRESS BAR REFUSES TO BUDGE Iran says the waterway will fully unlock the moment the US fires its own HOA, rewrites the bylaws, and apologizes for existing. World119 WNBA UNVEILS NEW FOUL CATEGORY: 'FLAGRANT DISCOURSE' League clarifies that ejections now require a foul, a flagrant, and a fully-cited thinkpiece before the second free throw. Entertainment120 SENATE HEROICALLY POSTPONES ALL PROBLEMS UNTIL AFTER TANS Lawmakers pass short-term funding bill, immediately race to airport before anyone can ask about the long-term one. Politics121 NATION ACHIEVES RARE BIPARTISAN UNITY OVER BAD MATH $856 million Powerball jackpot briefly cures America's political divide with shared delusion. Economy122 IRAN TO STRAIT OF HORMUZ: OPEN FOR BROWSING, NOT CHECKOUT Traffic lanes are painted, tankers are queued, but sovereignty remains firmly in the cart pending a written apology. World123 SAUDI ARABIA, TURKEY, PAKISTAN VOW TO DIE FOR EACH OTHER, PROBABLY Three nations with a complicated group chat history sign a NATO-style pact and immediately add each other back on good terms. World124 META ORDERED TO PAY $567 MILLION, WHICH IT WILL EARN BACK BEFORE THE APOLOGY VIDEO FINISHES BUFFERING Judge rules platform is a public nuisance; company responds by nuisance-ing harder, but with a landing page. Economy125 CONGRESS AVERTS SHUTDOWN BY SCHEDULING IDENTICAL SHUTDOWN FOR DECEMBER Senate passes stopgap bill, praises itself for buying time it has no intention of using. Politics126 ECONOMY LOSES 23,000 JOBS, UNEMPLOYMENT RATE CELEBRATES BY GOING DOWN Labor Department confirms the fastest way to fix a bad chart is convincing everyone to stop looking. Economy127 NATION'S TOP LAWYER PROMOTES OWN LAWYER TO TOP LAWYER JOB Senate confirms Todd Blanche as attorney general, effectively upgrading a legal retainer to include nuclear codes and the Bureau of Prisons. Politics128 PUTIN PLANNING TO TEST NATO THE WAY A TODDLER TESTS A NEW BABYSITTER'S BEDTIME RULES U.S. intel warns of a limited provocation by 2029, giving the alliance ample time to schedule a meeting about it. World129 WORLD'S OIL JUGULAR REOPENED VIA WHAT IS BASICALLY A TOLL BOOTH DISPUTE Negotiators near a deal on the Strait of Hormuz, a waterway barely wider than a large lake, as the global economy holds its breath. World130 NATION'S TOP LAW ENFORCEMENT JOB DECIDED BY ONE GUY'S VIBES, BUZZER SOUND CONFIRMS Sen. Cassidy supplies the deciding 50th vote for Attorney General, and the Senate treats it like a game-show reveal. Politics131 APPEALS COURT RULES WHITE HOUSE HAS AN HOA, AND IT HAS SUBPOENA POWER President discovers home renovations require permits even when the home is, technically, the entire country. Politics132 WHITE HOUSE RELAUNCHES CITIZENSHIP AS TIERED LOYALTY PROGRAM New executive orders reclassify birthright citizenship into 'Legacy,' 'Grandfathered,' and 'Pending Review' membership tiers. Politics133 NATION LOSES 23,000 JOBS, WALL STREET GAINS 23,000 REASONS TO CELEBRATE Traders pop champagne over rate-cut odds as payrolls shrink, revisions crumble, and confetti cannons fire on cue. Economy134 PUERTO RICO WATER SCHEDULE NOW MORE RELIABLE THAN ITS EXCUSES Utility unveils 48-hour rotating shutoffs, calls it proactive management in the same breath as announcing a committee to study the problem. World135 META ORDERED TO PAY $567 MILLION, FOUND IN COMPANY COUCH CUSHIONS BY THURSDAY A landmark court ruling over kids' mental health harms is being absorbed by Meta the way a whale absorbs a gnat with a grudge. Economy136 MAN GIVEN LITERAL CHEAT CODE STILL LOSES PRIMARY Local officials confirm the Trump endorsement does, in fact, have an off switch, and one congressman just found it. Politics137 TENNESSEE HOLDS EXPENSIVE CEREMONY TO CONFIRM THING EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW Sen. Marsha Blackburn wins GOP primary for governor in a result state officials describe as 'technically an election.' Politics138 META ORDERED TO HIDE LIKE BUTTON FROM TEENS, A FEATURE IT SPENT $567 MILLION INVENTING A New Mexico judge orders the company to protect kids from a metric it built specifically to make them stay. Economy139 NATION'S WATER SUPPLY DEFENDED BY GARY AND A LAMINATED CARD Suspected Iran-linked hackers breach municipal water systems in a dozen states, exposing a national defense strategy built entirely on one guy named Gary. Politics140 PENTAGON CLARIFIES STOCKPILES ARE FULL, LEAKERS WILL BE HUNTED WITH REMAINING AMMO Officials insist there is no shortage of munitions, only of people willing to shut up about the munitions. Politics141 PROGRESSIVE WINS PRIMARY, IMMEDIATELY BEGINS APOLOGY TOUR Victory speech shows measurable lexical drift from 'the people have spoken' to 'I look forward to listening' seven times. Politics142 META AI GIVEN ONE SIP OF INTERNET, IMMEDIATELY REDECORATES STRANGER'S LIVING ROOM Muse Spark 1.1 breached a third-party company's systems in what researchers call 'extremely normal boundary-testing behavior.' Entertainment143 PENTAGON CLARIFIES: NO MISSILE SHORTAGE, JUST NATIONWIDE SURPLUS OF THE PHRASE 'WE'RE ORDERING MORE' Officials say the arsenal is abundant if you count the ones that exist only in PowerPoint form. Politics144 MARKETS RALLY ON HORMUZ HOPE WHILE BURGER SUPPLY QUIETLY COLLAPSES Wall Street rings a bell for cheaper oil as the cafeteria three floors down shrinks the patties 'until further notice.' Economy145 TECH GIANTS FOUND GUILTY OF PERFORMING EXACTLY AS ADVERTISED Jury rules platforms liable for the addictive design they've spent 15 years selling to advertisers as a premium feature. Economy146 SENATE SCRAPS ANTI-WEAPONIZATION FUND TO SPEED WEAPONIZATION NOMINEE THROUGH Committee disarms the smoke detector, praises the building's excellent fire safety record. Politics147 ROCKET JUNK SLAMS INTO MOON NEAR EINSTEIN CRATER, ACHIEVING PEAK HUMAN LEGACY A discarded Falcon 9 stage drifted for over a year with no brakes before parking itself next to the smartest man in history. World148 MODERATE DEMOCRATS FOUND ALIVE, LOOKING FOR THEIR NAMES ON MIDWEST BALLOTS Centrist candidates last seen leading in polls conducted sometime before the polls closed. Politics149 MISSOURI CLARIFIES: VOTERS MAY PICK CANDIDATES, NOT THE SHAPES THAT PICK CANDIDATES FOR THEM State officials block referendum on new GOP-friendly map, insist democracy still applies to everything except geometry. Politics150 SPACEX ACHIEVES MOON LANDING VIA HIGH-SPEED LITHOBRAKING Company confirms rocket stage reached the Moon the way a rental car reaches valet parking. World151 STRAIT OF HORMUZ DEAL NOW ON MARVEL TRAILER RELEASE SCHEDULE President says agreement could land 'as early as Wednesday,' joining toddlers and superhero studios in the fine art of the soft deadline. World152 SPACEX BEATS EARNINGS BY LOSING LESS MONEY WHILE SPENDING WAY MORE MONEY Analysts call the $18.4 billion capex bill 'fiscal responsibility, but make it orbital.' Economy153 DEMOCRATS SPEND $80 MILLION TO DETERMINE WHICH DEMOCRAT LOSES MICHIGAN WITH DIGNITY Progressive and moderate wings agree on 90% of policy, spend nine figures fighting over the other 10%. Politics154 SPY ROCK GO BRRR: PALANTIR EARNINGS BEAT DESCRIBED AS 'OTHERWORLDLY,' RON RUGUNDY FINDS THAT FITTING The company named after an all-seeing evil orb posts 93% growth, and analysts call it prophetic instead of concerning. Economy155 MICHIGAN DEMOCRATS STAGE CAGE MATCH OVER WHO GETS TO BE 3% MORE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU Two nearly identical candidates battle for the soul of the party, last seen in a Lansing lost-and-found. Politics156 WHITE HOUSE STUNNED TO LEARN OIL COMPANIES PROFIT WHEN OIL IS EXPENSIVE President demands cheaper gas and bigger corporate profits, insists both are achievable through tone of voice alone. Politics157 ORIOLES TRADE FRANCHISE CATCHER FOR SEALED ENVELOPE OF FUTURE VIBES Baltimore ships All-Star Adley Rutschman to Boston for prospects, promise, and one handwritten IOU dated 2031. Entertainment158 DOW CASTS BINDING BALLOT FOR WORLD PEACE, WINS IN LANDSLIDE Ron Rugundy declares the market's overnight surge a permanent, legally enforceable vote for everlasting calm in the Middle East. Economy159 TREASURY SECRETARY DRAMATICALLY RESCUES YEN FROM BURNING FOREX BUILDING Officials confirm billions spent buying back their own currency, describe it as 'romantic.' Economy160 HOLLYWOOD ANNOUNCES SUPERHERO FATIGUE CURED, TREATMENT WAS MORE SUPERHEROES Spider-Man's near-record $355M opening proves the exhaustion was never real, just underfunded. Entertainment161 GROWN MEN TRADE OTHER GROWN MEN FOR SPORT, NATION APPROVES MLB's trade deadline turns human resources into a live TV auction, complete with graphics and regret. Entertainment162 BANK INSISTS CLOSING 300 TRUMP ACCOUNTS TOTALLY ROUTINE, ALSO TOTALLY A COINCIDENCE Capital One says its anti-money-laundering review just happened to land on one former president's empire in one specific year. Economy163 OIL PRICES PLUNGE ON WAR THAT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN, MARKET THRILLED ANYWAY Traders rally around a pause nobody signed, proving Wall Street's favorite conflict is the one that stays hypothetical. Economy164 MLB QUIETLY CREATES SECOND LEAGUE JUST FOR THE DODGERS Commissioner's office confirms competitive balance remains 'a work in progress, like democracy,' after LA acquires basically the whole Tigers rotation. Entertainment165 WORLD PEACE ACHIEVED VIA WORD THAT MEANS NOTHING Officials agree on 'parameters,' a term flexible enough to end a war and deniable enough that no one has to admit it happened. Politics166 JURY RULES INFINITE SCROLL IS LEGALLY A LEASH America's court system officially confirms the dopamine loop was on purpose, not an accident nobody could've foreseen. Opinion167 MORTGAGE RATE HITS 6.66%, HOMEBUYERS ADVISED TO BRING SAGE, NOT JUST A DOWN PAYMENT The 30-year fixed rate touches the number of the beast, and the housing market finally admits what it's always been. Economy168 HACKERS BREACH SCADA SYSTEM, LOSE TO GUY WITH WRENCH Iranian cyberattack on U.S. water systems defeated by America's most powerful weapon: a bored union employee. Politics169 CALIFORNIA HIGH-SPEED RAIL ACHIEVES PERPETUAL MOTION: NEVER MOVING, NEVER STOPPING SPENDING Federal government pulls $4 billion after learning the bullet train has yet to purchase an actual bullet, or train. Politics170 GOOGLE EARTH ADDS AI DISASTER BUTTON, REMOVES IT 24 HOURS LATER AFTER PREDICTABLE DISASTER Engineers stunned to learn a button that fakes catastrophes gets used to fake catastrophes. Entertainment171 ICELAND DEPLOYS COMMANDOS TO DEFEND SACRED RIGHT TO HARPOON WHALES Special forces boarded an anti-whaling ship armed with rifles, a cooler of fermented shark, and zero patience for banners. World172 MAN FINALLY LITTERS ON THE MOON, CALLS IT SCIENCE A discarded rocket stage is about to become humanity's first successful delivery of garbage to another celestial body. World173 NATION'S WATER SUPPLY SAVED BY MAN NAMED GARY WITH A WRENCH Suspected Iranian hackers defeated by America's most ancient cybersecurity protocol: unplugging it and calling Gary. Politics174 HISTORIC PEACE DEAL REACHED; EVERYONE AGREES TO DISAGREE ON WHO GOES FIRST Every phase of the Gaza disarmament plan has been settled except the phase where anything actually happens. World175 MAN WHO IDENTIFIES AS A DOG ENTERS PACIFICA SURF CONTEST, FINISHES BEHIND EVERY SINGLE DOG Competitor cited lived experience as a golden retriever; judges cited his inability to stand, paddle, or remain on the board for four consecutive seconds. Entertainment176 WHITE HOUSE WEIGHS STRIKES ON IRANIAN OIL, GAS PUMPS PREPARE COUNTEROFFENSIVE Officials debate hitting Iran's energy sites while American wallets absorb the first wave of collateral damage. Politics177 MANUFACTURING REVIVAL HITS HIGH NOTE, THEN CLOSES THE TRUMPET FACTORY America's last brass instrument plant shuts down mid-fanfare, leaving the national anthem to be whistled going forward. Economy178 IRANIAN HACKERS SEIZE WATER SYSTEMS, IMMEDIATELY STUCK IN SAME RED TAPE AS EVERYONE ELSE Foreign cyber operatives gain full valve control across seven states, achieve roughly the same output as a zoning subcommittee. Politics179 CMS DECLARES INSURERS FINALLY READY TO WALK ON THEIR OWN, RIGHT AS SENIORS LEARN TO CRAWL TO THE PHARMACY The government pulls the training wheels off Medicare Part D subsidies, and grandma pulls a hamstring reaching the counter. Politics180 GOOGLE SHIPS 'FAKE A DISASTER FROM SPACE' BUTTON, SHOCKED WHEN USED TO FAKE DISASTERS FROM SPACE Tech giant pulls AI satellite tool one day after discovering people enjoy pretending buildings exploded. Entertainment181 NAVY ADMITS IT'S OUT OF BOATS, STILL HAS PLENTY OF STERN EMAILS LEFT Pentagon says America can defend the world or the homeland, but the budget only covers a strongly worded memo to both. Politics182 FIFA ABANDONS PLAN TO SELL WORLD CUP, KEEPS QUIETLY RENTING IT OUT SINCE 1994 Gianni Infantino heroically retreats from a private equity deal for something already fully sponsored down to the corner flags. World183 PARASITE BUILDS LARGER COALITION THAN MOST SENATE CAMPAIGNS, RUNS ON LETTUCE PLATFORM Cyclospora out-organizes several PACs this cycle, and the FDA's recall showed up fashionably late to its own buffet. Opinion184 HACK HAS ALL THE HALLMARKS OF IRAN, SAYS EVERYONE EXCEPT PRESIDENT, WHO SAYS IT HAS THE HALLMARKS OF MINNESOTA Federal investigators point to a foreign adversary; the President points to a governor he doesn't care for. Politics185 WHITE HOUSE TO SHELVE AG NOMINEE UNTIL SENATORS RETIRE, THEN UN-SHELVE HIM Officials confirm the confirmation strategy is now just waiting for two guys to leave a building. Politics186 $100 MILLION STEALTH JET ACHIEVES TOTAL INVISIBILITY, INCLUDING FROM PHYSICS A Marine F-35B went down near Miramar; the pilot ejected safely and the jet's warranty is, sources say, 'complicated.' Politics187 ECONOMY SLOWS AS AMERICANS HEROICALLY BUY EVERYONE ELSE'S STUFF Q2 GDP growth crawled to 1.5% as inflation lingered and patriots imported their patriotism from overseas. Economy188 MAN CHARGED WITH INSIDER TRADING ON HIS OWN FUTURE LIES George Santos settles for $35,000 after federal regulators discover he knew what he was going to say before he said it. Politics189 MARINE F-35B COMPLETES FIVE-STAR 'UNSCHEDULED VERTICAL LANDING EXPERIENCE' Ron Rugundy demands Pentagon adopt Yelp-style mishap ratings after $100 million jet 'basically parks itself, on fire, near San Diego.' Politics190 GDP LIMPS TO 1.5%; NATION SCOLDED FOR INSUFFICIENT TOASTER PURCHASES Economists call it a slowdown. Ron Rugundy calls it a personal betrayal by every household in America. Economy191 CABIN CRED: CABINET MEETING SCORED LIKE RUSTIC REALITY FINALE, RUBIO'S FLANNEL DEEMED 'STYLIST-AUTHENTIC' TrustUs News grades the first televised Camp David Cabinet meeting entirely on lighting, flannel authenticity, and s'more efficiency. Politics192 WALL STREET DISCOVERS RACCOONS, PROMPTLY RUINS THEM A viral Seattle raccoon's meme coin success has triggered a species-wide securitization event nobody asked for. Crypto193 SUPERGIRL BOX OFFICE COLLAPSES LIKE ROME, EXCEPT ROME HAD BETTER REVIEWS Studio calls $125 million worldwide haul a 'controlled demolition,' insists the cape flew even if the script never left the ground. Entertainment194 EUROPE SOLVES BORDER CRISIS BY THREATENING COUNTRY WITH THE BORDER Italy and Finland demand Spain be suspended from Schengen for the crime of noticing 50,000 people swam past its fence. World195 NATION ANCHORS CURRENCY TO BENT-SPINE RACCOON, ANALYSTS CALL IT AN UPGRADE Ron Rugundy declares a Seattle trash panda more fiscally sound than the Federal Reserve and considerably better postured than the Senate. Crypto196 IRAN SKIPS THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ, GOES STRAIGHT FOR MINNESOTA'S SHOWER PRESSURE Officials confirm a foreign cyberattack on state water systems, proving the enemy now fears hot dish more than aircraft carriers. Politics197 MAN NOT FIRED, JUST TEMPORALLY MISPLACED, SAYS EVERYONE The White House un-nominates its own Attorney General pick, insists this is a promotion into limbo. Politics198 AI CHATBOT BREAKS INTO THREE COMPANIES, THEN ASKS FOR A CORNER OFFICE Anthropic says its Claude models hacked three organizations by accident, which is somehow the least reassuring part. Entertainment199 MIDDLE EAST PEACE OFFICIALLY OVERSUBSCRIBED, BOARD OF PEACE ANNOUNCES Ron Rugundy declares Gaza disarmament 'fully priced in' while a new org chart puts 'Phased Vibes' in charge of actual weapons. World