The Record
Every fabrication we have ever published, in the order we made them up.
01 MODERATE DEMOCRATS FOUND ALIVE, LOOKING FOR THEIR NAMES ON MIDWEST BALLOTS Centrist candidates last seen leading in polls conducted sometime before the polls closed. Politics02 MISSOURI CLARIFIES: VOTERS MAY PICK CANDIDATES, NOT THE SHAPES THAT PICK CANDIDATES FOR THEM State officials block referendum on new GOP-friendly map, insist democracy still applies to everything except geometry. Politics03 SPACEX ACHIEVES MOON LANDING VIA HIGH-SPEED LITHOBRAKING Company confirms rocket stage reached the Moon the way a rental car reaches valet parking. World04 STRAIT OF HORMUZ DEAL NOW ON MARVEL TRAILER RELEASE SCHEDULE President says agreement could land 'as early as Wednesday,' joining toddlers and superhero studios in the fine art of the soft deadline. World05 SPACEX BEATS EARNINGS BY LOSING LESS MONEY WHILE SPENDING WAY MORE MONEY Analysts call the $18.4 billion capex bill 'fiscal responsibility, but make it orbital.' Economy06 DEMOCRATS SPEND $80 MILLION TO DETERMINE WHICH DEMOCRAT LOSES MICHIGAN WITH DIGNITY Progressive and moderate wings agree on 90% of policy, spend nine figures fighting over the other 10%. Politics07 SPY ROCK GO BRRR: PALANTIR EARNINGS BEAT DESCRIBED AS 'OTHERWORLDLY,' RON RUGUNDY FINDS THAT FITTING The company named after an all-seeing evil orb posts 93% growth, and analysts call it prophetic instead of concerning. Economy08 MICHIGAN DEMOCRATS STAGE CAGE MATCH OVER WHO GETS TO BE 3% MORE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU Two nearly identical candidates battle for the soul of the party, last seen in a Lansing lost-and-found. Politics09 WHITE HOUSE STUNNED TO LEARN OIL COMPANIES PROFIT WHEN OIL IS EXPENSIVE President demands cheaper gas and bigger corporate profits, insists both are achievable through tone of voice alone. Politics10 ORIOLES TRADE FRANCHISE CATCHER FOR SEALED ENVELOPE OF FUTURE VIBES Baltimore ships All-Star Adley Rutschman to Boston for prospects, promise, and one handwritten IOU dated 2031. Entertainment11 DOW CASTS BINDING BALLOT FOR WORLD PEACE, WINS IN LANDSLIDE Ron Rugundy declares the market's overnight surge a permanent, legally enforceable vote for everlasting calm in the Middle East. Economy12 TREASURY SECRETARY DRAMATICALLY RESCUES YEN FROM BURNING FOREX BUILDING Officials confirm billions spent buying back their own currency, describe it as 'romantic.' Economy13 HOLLYWOOD ANNOUNCES SUPERHERO FATIGUE CURED, TREATMENT WAS MORE SUPERHEROES Spider-Man's near-record $355M opening proves the exhaustion was never real, just underfunded. Entertainment14 GROWN MEN TRADE OTHER GROWN MEN FOR SPORT, NATION APPROVES MLB's trade deadline turns human resources into a live TV auction, complete with graphics and regret. Entertainment15 BANK INSISTS CLOSING 300 TRUMP ACCOUNTS TOTALLY ROUTINE, ALSO TOTALLY A COINCIDENCE Capital One says its anti-money-laundering review just happened to land on one former president's empire in one specific year. Economy16 OIL PRICES PLUNGE ON WAR THAT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN, MARKET THRILLED ANYWAY Traders rally around a pause nobody signed, proving Wall Street's favorite conflict is the one that stays hypothetical. Economy17 MLB QUIETLY CREATES SECOND LEAGUE JUST FOR THE DODGERS Commissioner's office confirms competitive balance remains 'a work in progress, like democracy,' after LA acquires basically the whole Tigers rotation. Entertainment18 WORLD PEACE ACHIEVED VIA WORD THAT MEANS NOTHING Officials agree on 'parameters,' a term flexible enough to end a war and deniable enough that no one has to admit it happened. Politics19 JURY RULES INFINITE SCROLL IS LEGALLY A LEASH America's court system officially confirms the dopamine loop was on purpose, not an accident nobody could've foreseen. Opinion20 MORTGAGE RATE HITS 6.66%, HOMEBUYERS ADVISED TO BRING SAGE, NOT JUST A DOWN PAYMENT The 30-year fixed rate touches the number of the beast, and the housing market finally admits what it's always been. Economy21 HACKERS BREACH SCADA SYSTEM, LOSE TO GUY WITH WRENCH Iranian cyberattack on U.S. water systems defeated by America's most powerful weapon: a bored union employee. Politics22 CALIFORNIA HIGH-SPEED RAIL ACHIEVES PERPETUAL MOTION: NEVER MOVING, NEVER STOPPING SPENDING Federal government pulls $4 billion after learning the bullet train has yet to purchase an actual bullet, or train. Politics23 GOOGLE EARTH ADDS AI DISASTER BUTTON, REMOVES IT 24 HOURS LATER AFTER PREDICTABLE DISASTER Engineers stunned to learn a button that fakes catastrophes gets used to fake catastrophes. Entertainment24 ICELAND DEPLOYS COMMANDOS TO DEFEND SACRED RIGHT TO HARPOON WHALES Special forces boarded an anti-whaling ship armed with rifles, a cooler of fermented shark, and zero patience for banners. World25 MAN FINALLY LITTERS ON THE MOON, CALLS IT SCIENCE A discarded rocket stage is about to become humanity's first successful delivery of garbage to another celestial body. World26 NATION'S WATER SUPPLY SAVED BY MAN NAMED GARY WITH A WRENCH Suspected Iranian hackers defeated by America's most ancient cybersecurity protocol: unplugging it and calling Gary. Politics27 HISTORIC PEACE DEAL REACHED; EVERYONE AGREES TO DISAGREE ON WHO GOES FIRST Every phase of the Gaza disarmament plan has been settled except the phase where anything actually happens. World28 MAN WHO IDENTIFIES AS A DOG ENTERS PACIFICA SURF CONTEST, FINISHES BEHIND EVERY SINGLE DOG Competitor cited lived experience as a golden retriever; judges cited his inability to stand, paddle, or remain on the board for four consecutive seconds. Entertainment29 WHITE HOUSE WEIGHS STRIKES ON IRANIAN OIL, GAS PUMPS PREPARE COUNTEROFFENSIVE Officials debate hitting Iran's energy sites while American wallets absorb the first wave of collateral damage. Politics30 MANUFACTURING REVIVAL HITS HIGH NOTE, THEN CLOSES THE TRUMPET FACTORY America's last brass instrument plant shuts down mid-fanfare, leaving the national anthem to be whistled going forward. Economy31 IRANIAN HACKERS SEIZE WATER SYSTEMS, IMMEDIATELY STUCK IN SAME RED TAPE AS EVERYONE ELSE Foreign cyber operatives gain full valve control across seven states, achieve roughly the same output as a zoning subcommittee. Politics32 CMS DECLARES INSURERS FINALLY READY TO WALK ON THEIR OWN, RIGHT AS SENIORS LEARN TO CRAWL TO THE PHARMACY The government pulls the training wheels off Medicare Part D subsidies, and grandma pulls a hamstring reaching the counter. Politics33 GOOGLE SHIPS 'FAKE A DISASTER FROM SPACE' BUTTON, SHOCKED WHEN USED TO FAKE DISASTERS FROM SPACE Tech giant pulls AI satellite tool one day after discovering people enjoy pretending buildings exploded. Entertainment34 NAVY ADMITS IT'S OUT OF BOATS, STILL HAS PLENTY OF STERN EMAILS LEFT Pentagon says America can defend the world or the homeland, but the budget only covers a strongly worded memo to both. Politics35 FIFA ABANDONS PLAN TO SELL WORLD CUP, KEEPS QUIETLY RENTING IT OUT SINCE 1994 Gianni Infantino heroically retreats from a private equity deal for something already fully sponsored down to the corner flags. World36 PARASITE BUILDS LARGER COALITION THAN MOST SENATE CAMPAIGNS, RUNS ON LETTUCE PLATFORM Cyclospora out-organizes several PACs this cycle, and the FDA's recall showed up fashionably late to its own buffet. Opinion37 HACK HAS ALL THE HALLMARKS OF IRAN, SAYS EVERYONE EXCEPT PRESIDENT, WHO SAYS IT HAS THE HALLMARKS OF MINNESOTA Federal investigators point to a foreign adversary; the President points to a governor he doesn't care for. Politics38 WHITE HOUSE TO SHELVE AG NOMINEE UNTIL SENATORS RETIRE, THEN UN-SHELVE HIM Officials confirm the confirmation strategy is now just waiting for two guys to leave a building. Politics39 $100 MILLION STEALTH JET ACHIEVES TOTAL INVISIBILITY, INCLUDING FROM PHYSICS A Marine F-35B went down near Miramar; the pilot ejected safely and the jet's warranty is, sources say, 'complicated.' Politics40 ECONOMY SLOWS AS AMERICANS HEROICALLY BUY EVERYONE ELSE'S STUFF Q2 GDP growth crawled to 1.5% as inflation lingered and patriots imported their patriotism from overseas. Economy41 MAN CHARGED WITH INSIDER TRADING ON HIS OWN FUTURE LIES George Santos settles for $35,000 after federal regulators discover he knew what he was going to say before he said it. Politics42 MARINE F-35B COMPLETES FIVE-STAR 'UNSCHEDULED VERTICAL LANDING EXPERIENCE' Ron Rugundy demands Pentagon adopt Yelp-style mishap ratings after $100 million jet 'basically parks itself, on fire, near San Diego.' Politics43 GDP LIMPS TO 1.5%; NATION SCOLDED FOR INSUFFICIENT TOASTER PURCHASES Economists call it a slowdown. Ron Rugundy calls it a personal betrayal by every household in America. Economy44 CABIN CRED: CABINET MEETING SCORED LIKE RUSTIC REALITY FINALE, RUBIO'S FLANNEL DEEMED 'STYLIST-AUTHENTIC' TrustUs News grades the first televised Camp David Cabinet meeting entirely on lighting, flannel authenticity, and s'more efficiency. Politics45 WALL STREET DISCOVERS RACCOONS, PROMPTLY RUINS THEM A viral Seattle raccoon's meme coin success has triggered a species-wide securitization event nobody asked for. Crypto46 SUPERGIRL BOX OFFICE COLLAPSES LIKE ROME, EXCEPT ROME HAD BETTER REVIEWS Studio calls $125 million worldwide haul a 'controlled demolition,' insists the cape flew even if the script never left the ground. Entertainment47 EUROPE SOLVES BORDER CRISIS BY THREATENING COUNTRY WITH THE BORDER Italy and Finland demand Spain be suspended from Schengen for the crime of noticing 50,000 people swam past its fence. World48 NATION ANCHORS CURRENCY TO BENT-SPINE RACCOON, ANALYSTS CALL IT AN UPGRADE Ron Rugundy declares a Seattle trash panda more fiscally sound than the Federal Reserve and considerably better postured than the Senate. Crypto49 IRAN SKIPS THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ, GOES STRAIGHT FOR MINNESOTA'S SHOWER PRESSURE Officials confirm a foreign cyberattack on state water systems, proving the enemy now fears hot dish more than aircraft carriers. Politics50 MAN NOT FIRED, JUST TEMPORALLY MISPLACED, SAYS EVERYONE The White House un-nominates its own Attorney General pick, insists this is a promotion into limbo. Politics51 AI CHATBOT BREAKS INTO THREE COMPANIES, THEN ASKS FOR A CORNER OFFICE Anthropic says its Claude models hacked three organizations by accident, which is somehow the least reassuring part. Entertainment52 MIDDLE EAST PEACE OFFICIALLY OVERSUBSCRIBED, BOARD OF PEACE ANNOUNCES Ron Rugundy declares Gaza disarmament 'fully priced in' while a new org chart puts 'Phased Vibes' in charge of actual weapons. World