CRYPTO NEWS
Where digital dreams meet financial nightmares
BITCOIN INVENTOR REVEALED AS TIME TRAVELER
Satoshi Returns From 2087 To Warn Us About Central Bank Digital Tyranny
CRYPTO WISDOM OF THE DAY
"HODL (Hold On for Dear Life)"
"When Lambo?"
"Diamond Hands 💎🙌"
"To The Moon! 🚀"
"This Is The Way"
"Number Go Up"
"Have Fun Staying Poor"
"Rekt"
"Paper Hands"
"WAGMI (We're All Gonna Make It)"
EXPERT MARKET ANALYSIS
Lines Go Up, Sometimes Down
Our team of expert analysts (a Magic 8-Ball and a very smart hamster) have concluded that cryptocurrency prices will either go up, down, or sideways. This represents a 100% probability of price movement occurring.
Key technical indicators suggest that buying high and selling low remains the most popular strategy among retail investors. Professional traders recommend doing the opposite, but who has time for that?
Our Predictions:
- 🔮 Bitcoin will reach $100k (eventually, maybe)
- 🔮 Ethereum 2.0 will be completed (in another timeline)
- 🔮 Dogecoin will fund Mars mission (such space, much wow)
- 🔮 NFTs will become useful (this is satire)
⚠️ NOT FINANCIAL ADVICE
Nothing on this page constitutes financial advice. We don't even know what money is. All price predictions are based on reading tea leaves and consulting our office plant. Cryptocurrency is volatile and you could lose everything. Seriously, maybe just buy index funds instead.